Five

14 Sep

i haven’t written on forever, because how do you describe changing everything: growing older, graduating, moving across the country to start a new job & a new life? Everything is different now–I almost don’t recognize my past life. Luckily N and I are thriving & we have each other.

today N is 5. I cannot believe it! I’m having a much harder time with it than expected: there’s something about me turning 35 earlier this year & now N turning 5 that makes me sad & frustrated that life hasn’t turned out as expected. I mean, really, it’s better! But moments like this remind me of the pain & disappointment of the dream of a perfect family ending. I never really imagined exactly what my life would look like, but I never imagined being a single mom. I guess I wanted to be married, have 2.5 children & a white picket fence. that dream is gone.

I think about having more children, but it’s hard to swallow having kids from different fathers. That’s not the world I was brought up in. When N was born, I imagined having a 2nd kid when he was 4 or 5. That day has come and there’s no brother or sister on the horizon. At 35 I’m officially “advanced maternal age.”

im dating a great guy and there’s potential for the future, but I need to take my time and do this right so I don’t make mistakes again. And being sure takes time. And time is flying by.

The lessons of the past few years have taught me that you never know what is around the corner & life just gets better & better. It’s unpredictable and that’s the joy in living. But, emotionally, it’s challenging to trust time & not try to control things a bit more. To live in the uncertainty.

And so, we celebrate. And I reign in the sadness. I swallow a few tears and I look forward to what comes next. Happy birthday to N and happy anniversary to my motherhood. image

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: