Long overdue

18 May

As always, my life continues to be a soap opera. This post is a long time coming… And surreal to write because the drama is largely outside my daily life, but continues to impact me emotionally.

I forget now what I’ve written about the ex and I don’t have the energy to go back and read. But I’ll try to give a bit of play-by-play to get it out of my mind and onto a page so I can sleep tonight.

After the drama of late Jan and Feb, when I had to have the ex removed and banned from my apartment by university police, he began staying ‘on the couch’ of the friend(s) who offered to help him out when he came back from Ukraine. The girl, who is a photographer, seemed to be truly trying to help out (though I always questioned why she would invite drama into her life). She started with the God angle, but it has become clear that she is also crazy-manipulative.

She and her husband decided to take a break in Jan after ongoing problems. She got a studio apartment and S (the ex) began staying there. She has two kids, so she’d stay at home with them when her husband was working (he is a train engineer and will be out on a train for a few days at a time). When he comes back, she goes to the apartment.

At some point, she and S ‘fell in love’ and apparently began sleeping together. I’ve stayed neutral about all of S’s choices because I’m no longer invested in them. But her husband called me in the middle of the night in March to tell me. He found their text messages & confronted her and apparently she loves S.

In April, I got a message from the husband that S bought a gun (to protect himself, the woman, and her daughters from the husband). I don’t know them at all so I have no idea what their personalities are like so I trust no one. However, because of the craziness over there (and S’s own instability) I will not allow N to go over there. I won’t go over there. I want nothing to do with that den of depravity. And I have recorded this in my own divorce proceedings.

In mi-April, S took his new girlfriend to Ukraine, a place on the brink of civil war, to see (meet) his family. The family that has never met HIS SON. It just doesn’t compute.

After they got back, the husband served her with divorce papers and now, according to the husband, S has been threatening him with the gun via text message (and maybe other ways–I’m unsure. I really don’t ask because I just don’t need to know). Because of these threats, the husband has gotten a restraining order against S.

In April, I found some vile messages on Skype from S’s parents to me. I don’t know what lies he’s feeding them, but I will have nothing to so with them. I just won’t take any more abuse.

Just before S left for Ukraine, he left me some of the most hurtful voicemails I’ve ever heard. Telling me how disgusting I am–the weight loss I’ve had makes me look like I have cancer–skinny body with a big fat ugly head. That no one (but him) will ever love me…. Absolutely the most irrational filth I’ve ever heard. 4 minutes of vile words.

And so I’ve resolved to limit my contact with him and severely limit N’s contact with him. I am strong, I can take what I need to to wrap up this chapter of my life. But I Never.Ever.Ever want N to ever feel the way S makes me feel. I will protect my son from that.

So right now, I’m being cold but kind to S, knowing that all this is going on in the background, because our divorce docs should be ready early next week and I need him to sign.

I am currently doing my best to juggle everything–raising my increasingly boy-like toddler, wrap up my data collection for my dissertation, write shockingly amazing conference proposals so I can win over the world, write theoretically deep and insightful articles for publication, wrap up a few wedding edits so I don’t get sued…. And sleep and, well, deal with the loneliness of doing it all on my own.

My victory in all of this will be getting a job and getting the f-outta here and I can taste it. But I still have a lot to do. I have an amazingly supportive family and I’m building a great network of friends. But it is sad and lonely during the day-to-day and there are some nights like tonight when I just have to turn off all the obligations, watch some TV and feel it all. And it sucks.

I can’t wait to start over in a new place with a career, prestige, money, childcare, a new phone number…. I’m about ready for this nightmare to be over, but that’s still a long ways away.

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