Archive | May, 2014

Progress

23 May

Over the last 8 months, I have made significant progress on improving my life in important ways. With such a big change as the end of my marriage marking my life, it is amazing to look back and note the progress that has been made in 8 months.

Health: I no longer track my food daily, but I still log on to MyFitnessPal to check calorie counts occasionally or to mark my weight loss. I’m now down 28lbs in the past year!

20140523-153052-55852901.jpgI’ve dropped almost two clothing sizes and I hope I can continue this summer.

Career: I have now been accepted to present at two prestigious conferences (one this summer and one this fall) on my dissertation research. I have submitted another proposal and have 2 more due in the next week. I’ve applied for 2 fellowships and was nominated for a teaching award, so I’m hoping some of those things pan out. I’m in a place where I’m smart and organized and know what I need to be doing to be successful. This fall will be the big test when I go out on the job market, but I am confident that with adequate preparation it will go well. And without my failing marriage, I’m in a place for it to go well.

20140523-154926-56966322.jpgPersonal: the ex signed divorce papers yesterday. I’m meeting my lawyer to officially file next week. With the support of my parents, I’m moving in with them for 2 months so they can watch N and I can analyze my data and write. I’m SO looking forward to swimming lessons at my childhood pool with N, backpacking with my brother, cooking with my mom…. And just getting work done. I’ve done a really good job of getting things done this year, so I am optimistic about what I can get done.20140523-153708-56228523.jpg

Parenting: N has also made pretty amazing progress this year. 8 months ago, he spoke maybe 5 words, now he’s a chatterbox. Sure, few people understand what he says but he had begun to understand the importance of language. Today they re-did the speech/cognitive/social testing he did several time preciously and he no longer qualifies for help with cognitive or social skills. He’s a bit low in self-help, mostly because of potty training (which is happening as I write!!), so I’m confident he’ll catch up.

20140523-154340-56620430.jpg we haven’t gotten the results of his speech eval yet, but his therapist noted that a) he’s made great progress and b) he may not qualify anymore!

N is going to have a fun summer with his loving family, and in August when we return, he will be enrolled full-time in the preschool next door! It will make my life so much easier to have him in all-day preschool and I think he will thrive in a structured educational environment. Progress!

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Little boy

18 May

Things with N are just getting better & better!

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Long overdue

18 May

As always, my life continues to be a soap opera. This post is a long time coming… And surreal to write because the drama is largely outside my daily life, but continues to impact me emotionally.

I forget now what I’ve written about the ex and I don’t have the energy to go back and read. But I’ll try to give a bit of play-by-play to get it out of my mind and onto a page so I can sleep tonight.

After the drama of late Jan and Feb, when I had to have the ex removed and banned from my apartment by university police, he began staying ‘on the couch’ of the friend(s) who offered to help him out when he came back from Ukraine. The girl, who is a photographer, seemed to be truly trying to help out (though I always questioned why she would invite drama into her life). She started with the God angle, but it has become clear that she is also crazy-manipulative.

She and her husband decided to take a break in Jan after ongoing problems. She got a studio apartment and S (the ex) began staying there. She has two kids, so she’d stay at home with them when her husband was working (he is a train engineer and will be out on a train for a few days at a time). When he comes back, she goes to the apartment.

At some point, she and S ‘fell in love’ and apparently began sleeping together. I’ve stayed neutral about all of S’s choices because I’m no longer invested in them. But her husband called me in the middle of the night in March to tell me. He found their text messages & confronted her and apparently she loves S.

In April, I got a message from the husband that S bought a gun (to protect himself, the woman, and her daughters from the husband). I don’t know them at all so I have no idea what their personalities are like so I trust no one. However, because of the craziness over there (and S’s own instability) I will not allow N to go over there. I won’t go over there. I want nothing to do with that den of depravity. And I have recorded this in my own divorce proceedings.

In mi-April, S took his new girlfriend to Ukraine, a place on the brink of civil war, to see (meet) his family. The family that has never met HIS SON. It just doesn’t compute.

After they got back, the husband served her with divorce papers and now, according to the husband, S has been threatening him with the gun via text message (and maybe other ways–I’m unsure. I really don’t ask because I just don’t need to know). Because of these threats, the husband has gotten a restraining order against S.

In April, I found some vile messages on Skype from S’s parents to me. I don’t know what lies he’s feeding them, but I will have nothing to so with them. I just won’t take any more abuse.

Just before S left for Ukraine, he left me some of the most hurtful voicemails I’ve ever heard. Telling me how disgusting I am–the weight loss I’ve had makes me look like I have cancer–skinny body with a big fat ugly head. That no one (but him) will ever love me…. Absolutely the most irrational filth I’ve ever heard. 4 minutes of vile words.

And so I’ve resolved to limit my contact with him and severely limit N’s contact with him. I am strong, I can take what I need to to wrap up this chapter of my life. But I Never.Ever.Ever want N to ever feel the way S makes me feel. I will protect my son from that.

So right now, I’m being cold but kind to S, knowing that all this is going on in the background, because our divorce docs should be ready early next week and I need him to sign.

I am currently doing my best to juggle everything–raising my increasingly boy-like toddler, wrap up my data collection for my dissertation, write shockingly amazing conference proposals so I can win over the world, write theoretically deep and insightful articles for publication, wrap up a few wedding edits so I don’t get sued…. And sleep and, well, deal with the loneliness of doing it all on my own.

My victory in all of this will be getting a job and getting the f-outta here and I can taste it. But I still have a lot to do. I have an amazingly supportive family and I’m building a great network of friends. But it is sad and lonely during the day-to-day and there are some nights like tonight when I just have to turn off all the obligations, watch some TV and feel it all. And it sucks.

I can’t wait to start over in a new place with a career, prestige, money, childcare, a new phone number…. I’m about ready for this nightmare to be over, but that’s still a long ways away.