18 Nov

Life these days feels like the game whack-a-mole. . take care of one problem & another pops up! I mean, I guess it’s been that way for years, especially since I have entirely too much responsibility, but I’m so acutely aware of it now because a) I have no one to blame things on and b) I’m in ‘take charge’ mode, not stick my head in the sand and pretend the problems aren’t there mode.

Today I took care of one tedious thing: I got my security deposit back from my dumb landlord. He’s just generally one of those talkative, gossipy, stingy individuals so all dealings with him are not fun and I really didn’t want to have him nickel-and-dime the whole security deposit away. But after talking with the utilities company together and explaining to him what I was responsible for on the final utilities bill (he’s the landlord, he should know what’s going on, not me!?!), I got the amount I wanted back. Yay!

But then I also had a brief skype call with hubs because he wanted to talk with N and we were captive in the car, so, why not? But he cried the whole time (?!?) so I ended up having to put N down for an overdue nap and tell hubs to man-up. Why cry/wallow if it’s all over? And N doesn’t need to see/hear that. All he’s trying to do is make me feel bad and it is not.going.to.work. Meanwhile I get a phone call from a client who is wondering where their final wedding edit is. I’m trying to take charge and do the right thing, but there’s just too many things that pop up. I can’t be an adult all the time. 😦

Which is why I actually spent the whole weekend in a true funk. All I wanted, deeply wanted, was to curl up in cozy blankets and go to sleep. But I had to pull myself together to get things done. Friday sucked–there was a spaghetti dinner at the community center for my university housing place and I was hoping to meet some people. Instead it was mostly the same people I’ve briefly met and who already know each other. There’s one bitchy community assistant (like the dorm RA for the families here) who just generally pisses me off. And so I sat in the corner with N while he ate spaghetti and felt totally alone. And there’s nothing worse than feeling alone in a room full of people. Then, we went home and I made the final arrangements for my tea party. . when I realized I had to pre-order my cupcakes for the next day. I had bought a coupon for half-price on a dozen, but you needed to online pre-order which was closed. So I called and they said there was nothing I could do. So I cried. Over cupcakes 😦 But then I pulled myself together and we went over to the cupcake place (a 2 min drive) and through a tear-lined face asked the nice girl working if she could make my night any better. She was really nice and I ended up picking up 6 cupcakes and after she rang me up she gave me 4 more for free (they were the slightly-less-cute but equally delicious ones). After a string of bad service incidents over the past few weeks, it truly made my day.

And that’s just it. I can’t let myself wallow. I was headache-y all weekend, I’m sure, because of all these anxieties. But my tea party went well, N is generally well-behaved, and I AM taking care of the massive number of ‘fires’ I have to put out. As my dad said, It’s better to deal with all this shit on my own than to have HIM in my life and deal with his shit in addition to my own. And so here I am, playing whack-a-mole all alone. . and yet I’m doing ok with it. There are moments that are really, really challenging (like tantrums on the way home from the park or dealing with my former landlord) but as long as I give myself that moment to be frustrated and cry and then get over it, then I am generally ok.

And I really am getting things done. I’m moments away from finishing my human subjects review application (only 3 days late), I have gotten about 1/3 of the massive pile of grading done, I bought groceries, and I wrapped things up with my landlord, and it’s only 3:30 pm. I have to give myself some credit for that! As we said during my tea party: “here’s to all the things that don’t suck!”


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