21 Oct

Getting out of this abusive relationship is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I’ve done a lot of hard things. I am definitely not doing it on my own. From the moment I made the decision to end things (and really, during the decision process) I had the support of my parents and brother. At the same time, I got into contact with a local domestic violence agency which has support, advocacy, counseling, and legal aid. I’ve been to group therapy twice and I’ll definitely be going again this week (after the crazy week I’ve had…). I’m still putting together my support team, and today I brought more people in.

This morning I got up like usual and dropped N off at preschool. But the whole morning I was very apathetic–watching the minutes go by and not getting out of bed.. driving and thinking. . realizing I didn’t have much of a class planned nor the energy to go and teach it. Worried about the physical state of my abusive husband after he threatened suicide the night before… I realized I was numb because I just couldn’t process it all.

So I hatched a new plan: from the parking garage I emailed my students and cancelled class. And I high-tailed it down to the student counseling center to see someone immediately. It worked out perfectly: I now have an individual counselor who will help see me through this. He was a Peace Corps volunteer himself so he knows where I’m coming from and he has had friends marry host country nationals (as they’re called in Peace Corps talk). It will be good to have someone and some place to talk that has training in psychology. I’m glad it’s a man and I’m glad he doesn’t have specific domestic abuse training–I feel like I have enough of that. This is a place for me to voice my experience, my frustrations, and my worries. It is short-term (5-6 sessions) but I think by then I’ll be able to then move on to the domestic violence counselor (who contacted me today, ironically) to debrief my experience and help me gain tools to not go through it again.

I also made a doctor’s appointment today for me. I haven’t had a checkup for 2 years so it’s time to spend a moment to check in on myself. My doctor is also N’s doctor so I still see her regularly, but not to talk about me. So that is good.

On top of all that, I got into contact with a birth-to-3 organization for N’s speech therapy that comes highly recommended so I hope we can move on from evaluation and just get into the play therapy! And I am waiting for a callback on childcare at the housing place we’ll be moving to this weekend.

A full day! What really propmpted it was this crazy weekend. You see, while we were having fun at the pumpkin patch, simultaneously hubs was melting down. When we got home, we briefly skyped where he said he had just tried to drown himself in the river. He was hyperventilating and sopping wet so I believe him. He calmed down.. ’till the next day when we tried to skype again so N could talk with the grandparents and hubs told me a story about visiting the local witch. The witch said that we had been cursed–that’s why we’re having problems (clearly). And the witch said that not only will we get divorced, but that he’ll kill himself. I said I don’t believe in witches. He said something stupid, then his mom did. Then she said something about me giving a promise in the church — and with that she thrusted the problems back onto me. And I turned off the computer.

For the next half hour or so, he texted me about how he was going to overdose. Take pills. How he took them and was floating and would see us in heaven. Was always with us, forever and ever. And the texts ended. And I deleted skype and deleted the texting app. And I haven’t heard a thing since. These ‘suicide’ attempts are ploys to get attention and whether he tries or not, I can’t do anything since he’s across the world. I can’t do anything because he’s trying to reel me in and abuse me more. He is at home with his parents, so it is on them to take care of their son who is clearly suffering. I cannot raise his son, do his work, and take care of my own life with this emotional interference. So I have cut contact.

I do hope he is well–the worry about him is what sent me into a numb state this morning. But I have to protect myself and my son and I have to turn it off.

And that is why I’m in therapy.


One Response to “Therapy”

  1. dragonflywomanblog October 22, 2013 at 4:43 am #

    Stay strong.

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