Night and Day

18 Oct

This process of extracting myself from this relationship is not easy, and dealing with an irrational person leads to a large unpredictability in my life. Wednesday evening I had a huge wake-up call when I got an email saying hubs could check in for his flight to Seattle… what??!?

I checked the flight information and it seems the flight had been changed, so I called KLM directly to find out what happened. And yes, someone paid the flight-change fee to change the flight on Monday.

I called his parents and they, too, had just found out he changed the flight. It seems that in a wave of optimism he changed his flight on his own, without considering whether a) I wanted him back and b) any arrangements for transportation, living, money, etc when he got here.

So I spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone convincing his family to not let him get on the plane, while simultaneously making plans in case he did get on the plane. With his irrationality and temper, I need to keep myself safe so I read up on how to get restraining orders. If he boarded, I had a plan in place: get a restraining order and go to a hotel for the night.

During the conversation, his parents begged me to let him come, help him find a place to live and a job and to help him edit the past weddings. I explained what he has done to me, how I cannot support him emotionally, monetarily and how I don’t have time to deal with his drama. As they talked I heard him echo through their voices – his father with all the excuses and blame-shifting, his mom with the martyr-ness. I had to repeat and re-iterate that he made these choices, not me. He changed the ticket and forced my hand. He abused me. It was surreal.

He didn’t get on the plane and just like that, he burned his one chance to come back–not a chance to come back to this relationship, but return to the US. With a December return we had time to get divorced and make a plan for him, but with one impulsive move he lost that chance. Now he’s sitting at home with no money (I sent a thousand bucks earlier this month so he could buy a computer and work, but he blew it by going to Russia and paying the ticket change fee) and no options. I do feel bad for him but he brought it upon himself.

Last night, instead of getting on the plane, he melted down publicly on Facebook. He insulted my mom, blamed me for breaking up our family and did it in a way that many friends could see it. All his actions did was get a whole lot of people to rally behind me. By being so crazy, he is only helping me make my case and bringing my friends back to me.

In complete contrast to this angle of my life, my dissertation is going SO well! Last week I had a meeting with my former boss who had a dissertation idea for me. We met, I liked it, and I got to thinking. Yesterday I met with my current boss, who is the director of the writing program and is highly regarded in the field. We had a GREAT meeting where he complimented my strength (in light of these personal issues) but more than that, he complimented my intelligence. He said “you are smart, but not juts smart but lively smart and that is rare!” He noted how quick I am to make connections between ideas and how engaging it is to talk to me. THIS is the confidence boost I needed!

This, along with the additional ideas for my dissertation that he had, got me back on track. He agreed to chair my dissertation committee which will be re-shuffled a bit bringing on a new member and changing chairs. I think it will be a really great, supportive group who will really support me to succeed.

Night and day. Things in my life are really crazy (like, literally) and also REALLY GOOD! I need to keep working with that good and surrounding myself with people who support me.


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