One Month

16 Oct

One month ago I put my husband on a plane and began the process of un-tangling our life from one another. So far it has been a process of stops and starts and it feels like it was both moments ago and a lifetime ago. I think it will feel like that for a long time.

Over the past month, a few things have become more and more true:
1) I am getting a divorce. As I have been working though the abuse I suffered and working with hubs to come to terms with our future, he has continued to hurl abuse my way and prove to be inconsistent, vindictive, irrational and a whole lot of other things that get my blood boiling if I think about it. So we are D.O.N.E. . . but I’m not ready to draw up divorce paperwork just yet. I have consulted with a lawyer and basically, there’s an easy way and a hard way to do this so I’m just working up to doing it the easy way (filling out everything myself, running it by a lawyer in a legal aid clinic, sending it to hubs abroad for his signature, and then signing it myself and filing it). I really, really don’t want to go the hard way.

2) I will thrive. I AM thriving without him. I have more hours in the day without my life being filled with talk and drama and troubles. . .I now have peace and quiet and that quiet is slowly filling back up with meetings and work and friends and fun with my son. My life is filling back up with the things I value because I’ve gotten rid of the thing(s) that drag me down.

3) My husband is an abusive man who is no good for me. This has been the hardest (yet easiest) part to come to terms with. In many ways, this is the part I really had to accept so I could get him on that plane. He will not change. It is not temporary. IF someone loves you, they don’t treat you like that. The END. My struggle now, (and this relates to point #1) is what role he will have in N’s life. A boy needs his father, but he certainly doesn’t need an abusive father. Luckily, no physical abuse has been directed his way, but the emotional stuff has… and that’s not cool. So I have to figure out what kind of relationship I want them to have so it can go into the divorce documents.

The realizations continue every day, but these are the significant ones at one month in. It is HARD to be a single mama to a 2 year old without family in the area. But it is significantly BETTER than being in an emotionally abusive relationship. When I’m overwhelmed with things to do (since I’m teaching, studying, raising a child and wrapping up a lot of work from our business. . AND packing to move and dealing with a divorce) I just need to remember how bad it got. When I’m lonely, I just have to go online to text or skype with hubs so I can receive more abuse (lucky me!). Really, I just need to relish the time I have with my cute cute son and make it through to the next nap or next bedtime so I can focus and get things done–one task at a time.

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